God Speaks

So far, this adoption journey has been an incredible story of God speaking in our lives.  I can’t even begin to really explain how intimately God has been speaking to me during this time.  It was amazing to me that just a few months ago, I began to pray again about adoption.  It was something I hadn’t been actively praying about for quite a while.  But God laid that on my heart, and so I prayed.  Just a few weeks later, all of the events began to unfold that led us to Xiao.

I have to admit, I have my moments of fear.  Not doubt.  I don’t doubt that this is what God is calling our family to do.  Every now and then, however, especially when I read stories of the struggles others have had with adoption, I wonder why God is calling us to do something so difficult.  We move forward, nevertheless, in faith.  We are certain He has called us, and so we are certain that He will equip us and give us everything we need to get ready and to parent Xiao.

With our agency, you can adopt two unrelated children simultaneously.  The fees are significantly lower than they are to bring the first child home.  So, of course, we have been considering this from the beginning of the adoption process.  We are putting forth all this effort, we are paying all of this money, and we will be traveling and taking this huge journey.  We felt that we should at least consider giving a second child a forever family.

As soon as we started talking about a second child, I began to look at the waiting child photolisting, which can be a really bad thing to do in some ways!  Originally, speaking with Xiao’s host mom, we thought maybe a younger child, 2 to 3 years old would be “easiest” to bring home at the same time as Xiao.  So, I was looking for a younger child. A couple of weeks ago, I found two little boys who I thought could be good matches.  After I received the file on one little boy, another family decided to adopt him, so he was no longer available for adoption.  I began to pray about the second little boy.  He had a metabolic disorder that would require a special diet.  I thought we could manage it.  This little guy is 19 months old, and so cute.  As I shared his file with Todd, I prayed that God would really make it clear if we should adopt this baby along with Xiao.  I wanted what was best for Xiao, but also to bless another child with a family.

The little baby’s file was being returned just a few days after I found him, which made our decision urgent.  I asked friends to pray, and so did Todd.  He was feeling uneasy, and I was feeling like I really wanted to adopt that baby.  We were torn.  It is a heartwrenching thing to think that you are considering a human life and deciding whether or not you can take him out of a life with no family or leave him there in the orphanage for who knows how much longer.  It is really difficult to think about.

Over the weekend, Todd was still feeling uneasy about taking the baby.  I received a message from Xiao’s host mom, and I spoke to her on the phone for a long time.  She shared with me that she felt that adopting a baby with Xiao would not be the right thing.  She said that it would be easy to love a baby, and Xiao would most likely arrive with some challenging behaviors at first.  We could be tempted to favor the cute baby over Xiao.  She had some other concerns about us adopting this baby along with Xiao.  I took everything she said to heart and continued to pray.  I wanted so badly to take that cute little baby home as well as Xiao.  The answer would come to us even more clearly the next day at church.

We had a few people from our church praying about our decision whether or not to move forward with the baby.  With the file being returned the following Wednesday, we really would have had to have everything in by Tuesday.  We went to church last Sunday, and I asked a Godly woman whom I respect a lot to pray for us specifically about the baby.

The sermon last Sunday was very fitting for what is happening in our lives right now.  We have an incredible pastor, by the way, Pastor Stephen Armstrong, who teaches the Bible verse by verse. His ministry is versebyverseministry.org, and you can listen to his sermons online.  We have been studying the book of Judges, and over the past couple of weeks, we have been focusing on the story of Gideon. Most of us think of Gideon as a hero.  In reality, Gideon was a typical Israelite of his day–weak in his faith, and not ready to just jump up and follow what God was telling him to do.  In this story, so familiar to most believers, God proves over and over His will for Gideon and He confirms for Gideon, in His graciousness, what it is He wants Gideon to do.  Yet, Gideon is still unwilling to move forward.  He is fearful; he lacks faith in the God who has given him so many signs.  Finally, in Judges chapter 7, God tells Gideon to go down to the camp of the Midianites, their formidable enemy, and listen to what they will say.  In this incredible story, Gideon goes down to the camp at night, and “happens” to overhear two men talking about the battle.  They mention Gideon by name and say that God has given Midian and all the camp into his hand (Judges 7:13-14).  There is no explanation for the words these men of Midian speak except that God has put the words in their mouths.  Gideon went to just the right tent at just the right moment to hear just the right words he needed to hear in order to give him the confidence he needs to go into the battle God has for him.  It is a truly amazing moment, if you think about it.  In fact, Gideon is so overwhelmed with the sovereignty of God, with the omnipotence of a God who can orchestrate such details to come together in such a way to convey a message to him, that he bows in worship right then and there (Judges 7:15).  And then he goes and takes action.

The sermon that Sunday, based on those events in the book of Judges, was full of encouraging words to obey God, to have faith and take the steps that seem impossible.  Without taking the step of faith, you will never see the miracle.  Those are words that are so real to me. In my life, I have seen over and over the fruit of living by such faith.  I am ready to walk again in faith as we move forward with our adoption of Xiao.  As it came together that Sunday, God actually spoke very clearly to us that we were not supposed to adopt the baby along with Xiao.  The godly woman I asked to pray that morning came to Todd and said she had been praying fervently for us, and that God had told her that that baby was not our baby.  The same day, our pastor told Todd that sometimes obedience means we do not take a certain action, meaning we should not take the baby.  That night as Todd shared those things with me, I felt humbled that God would choose to speak so directly and so clearly to us.  I felt a little like Gideon at that moment in his story.  I sensed that God had spoken directly to us, just as He had sent the words to the men at the Midianite camp for Gideon.  I was floored that He would speak so directly to us about what we were to do.  I don’t think I have ever heard His voice so directly spoken to us, almost as if He was standing there saying the words Himself.  I was so sad for the little baby, that we were not to be his family.  I shed tears for him.  But I also shed tears of gratefulness that God would direct us so clearly when we needed Him to make it known within a certain time frame. Since we were on such a tight deadline with the baby’s file being returned just a couple days later, we needed to make that decision quickly.  I think I would have had a really hard time with it if we hadn’t heard so clearly from God that the answer was no.  I was able to let go of the baby with sadness, but with confidence that God had said he was not for us.  I am praying for him to find his forever family very, very soon.  He is so precious.

As for how I’m feeling now, I am not convinced that God does not want us to adopt another child with Xiao, but I am confident that if He does want us to do so, He will make it abundantly clear.  And so that is my prayer now.  The need is so great.  Yes, we are already taking in one child, and we are doing a big thing just in doing that. But I can’t help but think we should keep our hearts open to taking in another child at the same time.  We are so blessed and have so much to give.  I know it will drain us quite a bit, but we will be giving life only just to a couple of children when there over a million orphans in this world.  I feel it is just a small thing we can do.  I will continue to pray up until our dossier is ready to go that if there is another child that we are supposed to adopt at the same time, God will show us as clearly as He showed us that we were not to adopt the baby.  I know that God will continue to be faithful, and that He will show us His will.  And I am more than confident, I believe with all my heart and soul, that He will equip us and give us everything we need to parent Xiao and any other children He may have for us.  He has always been faithful, and I have no reason to doubt His faithfulness now.

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23

 

Something Crazy: Announcing Our Adoption Journey

A few weeks ago, I posted about doing something “crazy.”  I wrote that I felt that God would be calling us soon to do something people would think is crazy, something that might seem foolish or even irresponsible to some.  Sometimes, I wrote, God calls us to do the impossible, the unbelievable, the difficult, the stretching, the seemingly irrational, according to human standards.  I think Todd and I have lived a little of that for most of our marriage.  We kept having kids when almost everyone around us was encouraging us to do the “responsible” thing and stop.  We moved out to the country to a raw piece of land with nothing on it, and slowly built our dream, working to be debt-free, and actually achieving that goal through living a bit differently than most Americans choose to live.  We didn’t buy new furniture.  I have to wait until we have the actual money to do something like put in the tile I want in the addition to our house, instead of just charging it or adding it to the mortgage (since we have no mortgage).  I have had a lot of people tell me they couldn’t have the patience that I have with things like these.  Well, I confess that sometimes I wish we just did things the American way.  I want my tile.  I want my finished, beautiful house.  I don’t want to wait.  Really, I don’t.  But the truth is, when you have a conviction about something, you grit your teeth and carry on, even when you really might not feel like it at any given moment.  I remember when all the kids were little, sometimes looking around at my growing family and thinking how I would rather be at the beach.  But I chose to smile and carry on, because I believed then and I still believe now that this is the life to which God has called me.  It isn’t always easy, and it certainly isn’t always perfect, but it’s HIS will for me, and in that I find JOY and peace and the strength to carry on every single day, even when I’m tired and would rather be alone on a deserted beach for a few hours.

So the new “crazy” is here.  Todd and I have plenty of children, yes. We have 10; we know.  That seems to be “enough” (or “more than enough”) to everyone around us.  We have talked about adoption over the years, even with the number of children we had continuing to grow.  We felt that someday, adoption might be something we would want to do.  This isn’t because we felt we would need more children.  No, it is because we know that there are children out there who need us!  A few years ago, our oldest daughter presented a speech for competition about the plight of special needs children in “institutions” in Eastern Europe.  We couldn’t listen to her give that speech and show those pictures without God nudging our hearts.  Could it be that He might call us to take in one of the least of these someday?  But the babies kept coming, and it never seemed like the right time.  I felt in my heart that someday the time would come, and if and when it did, we would know it was time.

A few weeks ago, a friend posted on Facebook the link to a page about a little boy from China who was here in the States with a host program for five weeks, looking for his forever home.  I saw that he had not found a home and would be returning to China in just a couple of days after the last post.  Looking at the photos of that sweet boy, my heart broke for him, and I began to cry.  I shared the page with Todd, and he responded that he would take him if the government allowed.  So, I called the young woman whose family was hosting the little boy, and we spoke on the phone for a while. The next day, they were passing by Austin to head to the airport in Houston to send the boy back to China with the other children from the host program.  We decided we wanted to meet this little boy and then pray about what to do.  We weren’t sure what would happen. The host family drove out of their way to bring Xiao to our home for dinner that Friday night so we could meet him.  He stole our hearts, including every one of the children in our family.  Yes, it seemed crazy, but we felt maybe that kind of crazy was what the LORD was asking of us now.  This may not make sense to some people.  But it makes sense to us, as we follow and listen to God and hear His voice in our lives.  The next day, I sent in an application to the adoption agency.  We would just see if we would even be approved as a preliminary step.  A few days later, we received an email saying we were approved to apply to adopt from China.  But this still wasn’t a sure thing.  We weren’t really ready to tell people yet, as we still had to go through a more formal application to request to adopt Xiao specifically.

FB_IMG_1440386089380It took us about a week to wrap our heads around just how expensive this was all going to be.  It took us about that long to also accept that it was going to be a difficult thing God was calling us to do. We thought about it, and we prayed about it.  God spoke to us and said this is the time, and this is the little boy who belongs in our family.  Todd said that he felt like he couldn’t imagine having to someday stand before the throne of God and explain how when this precious boy needed a family, he was unwilling.  So, about two weeks ago, we signed an agreement with Great Wall China Adoption and wrote a Letter of Intent to apply to lock Xiao in to our application, meaning that he would be officially matched to us, and we would be pursuing him for adoption.  Yesterday, just a little over a week later, we received the pre-approval.  Now begins the journey of gathering paperwork, getting the home study done, waiting for the final approval, and then traveling to China to get our little boy.

Xiao has some special needs.  He has something called Cornelia DeLange Syndrome, which can cause severe mental retardation.  However, Xiao does not seem to be severely retarded, although he has some delays.  He may have hearing impairment, which had led to his speech delays.  He may never speak normally, although he may be able to speak well someday when given the proper medical care, possible hearing aids, speech therapy, etc.  We will find out more when we get him here and are able to take him to the right medical professionals.

Will this be easy?  Uh, probably not.  Will this challenge us?  Most certainly it will.  Does this mean we should not adopt Xiao?  Absolutely not.  Even believers were never promised an easy life.  God calls us to walk the hard road.  Being obedient to His calling won’t always mean a walk in the park.  More often than not, it means we will be challenged and need to rely more on HIS strength.  Are we being irresponsible?  I don’t think so.  Yes, we have other children who need us.  They are all so excited to love this boy and be his family.  There is so much love to go around.

Maybe all of this still sounds crazy to you.  I don’t really care.  God has called us, and we will follow HIM.  My other children will not be neglected.  They will see what it means to be the hands and feet of Jesus.  I don’t want to live my life in the comfort zone.  Believe me, I gave up my comfort zone years ago when I gave up control of my family to Him!  Yes, it’s absolutely crazy to think  we can raise 10 children well, let alone add a special needs child to the mix.  But my God is big enough.  I have 10 thriving, happy, amazing children.  It’s not really possible for us to take the credit for that.  I give GOD alone the glory!  Our oldest graduated from high school just a few months ago, homeschooled all the way through.  I’m not sure I really believed we would be able to do it, a few years ago.  Yet, there she is, away at university.  She even graduated with one full year of college credit completed, so she will be able to graduate with her degree in nursing in three years!  “My God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus!”  (Phil 4:19) HE did it!  Our daughter is a credit to the Lord, not to Todd and me.  We raised her only by HIS strength.  “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” (Phil 4:13)

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We have embarked on this journey.  We are excited and nervous at the same time.  We do not know exactly what the future will be like with our new son.  I only look to my God and Father in heaven who is calling us to do this.  I trust HIM!  I obey HIM!  HE will be our strength.  Of course, we appreciate your prayers, and we hope you will follow along on our journey.  Pray for us, that we will prepare ourselves as best we can in order to love and care for Xiao as he needs.  Pray that our other children will thrive as well.  Pray that as we live this out, our children will see what it means to step out in faith, and they will be blessed to go and do the same throughout their own lives.  We want to say “yes” to God.  I want our children to be able to say “yes” to God, too.

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Feel free to share this blog with anyone who may be interested in following our story.  We covet your prayers.  We can’t wait to see this journey unfold.   We are excited to see GOD’S strength in our weakness.

And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.   2 Corinthians 12:9-10