So far, this adoption journey has been an incredible story of God speaking in our lives.  I can’t even begin to really explain how intimately God has been speaking to me during this time.  It was amazing to me that just a few months ago, I began to pray again about adoption.  It was something I hadn’t been actively praying about for quite a while.  But God laid that on my heart, and so I prayed.  Just a few weeks later, all of the events began to unfold that led us to Xiao.

I have to admit, I have my moments of fear.  Not doubt.  I don’t doubt that this is what God is calling our family to do.  Every now and then, however, especially when I read stories of the struggles others have had with adoption, I wonder why God is calling us to do something so difficult.  We move forward, nevertheless, in faith.  We are certain He has called us, and so we are certain that He will equip us and give us everything we need to get ready and to parent Xiao.

With our agency, you can adopt two unrelated children simultaneously.  The fees are significantly lower than they are to bring the first child home.  So, of course, we have been considering this from the beginning of the adoption process.  We are putting forth all this effort, we are paying all of this money, and we will be traveling and taking this huge journey.  We felt that we should at least consider giving a second child a forever family.

As soon as we started talking about a second child, I began to look at the waiting child photolisting, which can be a really bad thing to do in some ways!  Originally, speaking with Xiao’s host mom, we thought maybe a younger child, 2 to 3 years old would be “easiest” to bring home at the same time as Xiao.  So, I was looking for a younger child. A couple of weeks ago, I found two little boys who I thought could be good matches.  After I received the file on one little boy, another family decided to adopt him, so he was no longer available for adoption.  I began to pray about the second little boy.  He had a metabolic disorder that would require a special diet.  I thought we could manage it.  This little guy is 19 months old, and so cute.  As I shared his file with Todd, I prayed that God would really make it clear if we should adopt this baby along with Xiao.  I wanted what was best for Xiao, but also to bless another child with a family.

The little baby’s file was being returned just a few days after I found him, which made our decision urgent.  I asked friends to pray, and so did Todd.  He was feeling uneasy, and I was feeling like I really wanted to adopt that baby.  We were torn.  It is a heartwrenching thing to think that you are considering a human life and deciding whether or not you can take him out of a life with no family or leave him there in the orphanage for who knows how much longer.  It is really difficult to think about.

Over the weekend, Todd was still feeling uneasy about taking the baby.  I received a message from Xiao’s host mom, and I spoke to her on the phone for a long time.  She shared with me that she felt that adopting a baby with Xiao would not be the right thing.  She said that it would be easy to love a baby, and Xiao would most likely arrive with some challenging behaviors at first.  We could be tempted to favor the cute baby over Xiao.  She had some other concerns about us adopting this baby along with Xiao.  I took everything she said to heart and continued to pray.  I wanted so badly to take that cute little baby home as well as Xiao.  The answer would come to us even more clearly the next day at church.

We had a few people from our church praying about our decision whether or not to move forward with the baby.  With the file being returned the following Wednesday, we really would have had to have everything in by Tuesday.  We went to church last Sunday, and I asked a Godly woman whom I respect a lot to pray for us specifically about the baby.

The sermon last Sunday was very fitting for what is happening in our lives right now.  We have an incredible pastor, by the way, Pastor Stephen Armstrong, who teaches the Bible verse by verse. His ministry is versebyverseministry.org, and you can listen to his sermons online.  We have been studying the book of Judges, and over the past couple of weeks, we have been focusing on the story of Gideon. Most of us think of Gideon as a hero.  In reality, Gideon was a typical Israelite of his day–weak in his faith, and not ready to just jump up and follow what God was telling him to do.  In this story, so familiar to most believers, God proves over and over His will for Gideon and He confirms for Gideon, in His graciousness, what it is He wants Gideon to do.  Yet, Gideon is still unwilling to move forward.  He is fearful; he lacks faith in the God who has given him so many signs.  Finally, in Judges chapter 7, God tells Gideon to go down to the camp of the Midianites, their formidable enemy, and listen to what they will say.  In this incredible story, Gideon goes down to the camp at night, and “happens” to overhear two men talking about the battle.  They mention Gideon by name and say that God has given Midian and all the camp into his hand (Judges 7:13-14).  There is no explanation for the words these men of Midian speak except that God has put the words in their mouths.  Gideon went to just the right tent at just the right moment to hear just the right words he needed to hear in order to give him the confidence he needs to go into the battle God has for him.  It is a truly amazing moment, if you think about it.  In fact, Gideon is so overwhelmed with the sovereignty of God, with the omnipotence of a God who can orchestrate such details to come together in such a way to convey a message to him, that he bows in worship right then and there (Judges 7:15).  And then he goes and takes action.

The sermon that Sunday, based on those events in the book of Judges, was full of encouraging words to obey God, to have faith and take the steps that seem impossible.  Without taking the step of faith, you will never see the miracle.  Those are words that are so real to me. In my life, I have seen over and over the fruit of living by such faith.  I am ready to walk again in faith as we move forward with our adoption of Xiao.  As it came together that Sunday, God actually spoke very clearly to us that we were not supposed to adopt the baby along with Xiao.  The godly woman I asked to pray that morning came to Todd and said she had been praying fervently for us, and that God had told her that that baby was not our baby.  The same day, our pastor told Todd that sometimes obedience means we do not take a certain action, meaning we should not take the baby.  That night as Todd shared those things with me, I felt humbled that God would choose to speak so directly and so clearly to us.  I felt a little like Gideon at that moment in his story.  I sensed that God had spoken directly to us, just as He had sent the words to the men at the Midianite camp for Gideon.  I was floored that He would speak so directly to us about what we were to do.  I don’t think I have ever heard His voice so directly spoken to us, almost as if He was standing there saying the words Himself.  I was so sad for the little baby, that we were not to be his family.  I shed tears for him.  But I also shed tears of gratefulness that God would direct us so clearly when we needed Him to make it known within a certain time frame. Since we were on such a tight deadline with the baby’s file being returned just a couple days later, we needed to make that decision quickly.  I think I would have had a really hard time with it if we hadn’t heard so clearly from God that the answer was no.  I was able to let go of the baby with sadness, but with confidence that God had said he was not for us.  I am praying for him to find his forever family very, very soon.  He is so precious.

As for how I’m feeling now, I am not convinced that God does not want us to adopt another child with Xiao, but I am confident that if He does want us to do so, He will make it abundantly clear.  And so that is my prayer now.  The need is so great.  Yes, we are already taking in one child, and we are doing a big thing just in doing that. But I can’t help but think we should keep our hearts open to taking in another child at the same time.  We are so blessed and have so much to give.  I know it will drain us quite a bit, but we will be giving life only just to a couple of children when there over a million orphans in this world.  I feel it is just a small thing we can do.  I will continue to pray up until our dossier is ready to go that if there is another child that we are supposed to adopt at the same time, God will show us as clearly as He showed us that we were not to adopt the baby.  I know that God will continue to be faithful, and that He will show us His will.  And I am more than confident, I believe with all my heart and soul, that He will equip us and give us everything we need to parent Xiao and any other children He may have for us.  He has always been faithful, and I have no reason to doubt His faithfulness now.

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23